growing up

130125-203520 Kopie

I feel less comfortable hugging people. I keep feeling it is getting less appropriate.

When I was 4 I could hug everyone. My parents took me to a wine store (don’t as me why) and as my point of view only reached to the knees of people I ended up at the shopkeeper’s leg when I wanted to hug my mum. The woman smiled at me when I looked up and realized my mistake, my parents were only laughing. For me it was traumatizing. But I sill loved hugging people.

When I went to school it was not allowed to hug boys anymore. They were ugly and we hated them. No idea why, but that’s the way it is. I couldn’t grasp the concept, but as a 6 year-old you just want to fit in. I stretched my arms only for girls.

In puberty it became normal to hug guys again (don’t let my father know that), my mother warned me they had to be special though. It was the common way of saying hello and goodbye, and when one person started all the others would hug as well. It would have been awkward if someone wouldn’t join in. It was good using this tactic to get closer to your crush. Sometimes I embraced 20 people just to be in someone’s arms for the split of a second. People would always hug back – back then. It gave me comfort not having to be afraid of touching anyone. I went out with a free hugs shield.

When leaving school, I hugged everyone goodbye. But it was not only the people I had to tell farewell to, it was also the easy coping with hugs.

In university it’s less common already. You don’t know people for too long, you don’t want to be the awkward hugging girl. But why don’t we hug as often and casual anymore?

There’s a but now. You can’t do anything you want anymore. When I see my parents or people on TV, body contact reduces with age. Do all people hug themselves? Or buy weird Japanese dolls who do the job? I think everyone has a right to be hugged! I think I should go and find that wine seller again. And if she doesn’t want to hug me anymore when I’m in my forties, I can at least get drunk.

And when I’m going to be an old wrinkly woman, will no one come anymore when I get out my dusty FREE HUGS sighn and spread my arms? Will people tell me “don’t touch me”? Nothing will feel worse than someone telling me that. Due to my age I won’t even be able to wrap my arms around myself anymore.

And a tear will drop into my glass of wine.